1
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,203
<I> ( '50s rock music playing )</I>

2
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,466
Oh, I've been there

3
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:36,935
And there,
        And I've been there.

4
00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:40,339
Wow!  The long, boring
          Stories you must have.

5
00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:44,676
I have another destination
For you, tommy-- high school.

6
00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:46,845
Why?  I finished
    My education

7
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:49,314
When you were nothing
   But a snot-nosed gas ball.

8
00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:52,251
That sounds like a very
Dangerous assignment.

9
00:00:52,253 --> 00:00:55,020
- shouldn't I take that on?
  - no.  We have to try
    To assume

10
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:57,056
The roles of
         A regular human family.

11
00:00:57,058 --> 00:00:59,691
Since tommy's the adolescent,
   He'll have to go to school.

12
00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:02,594
And you will
         Explore the lifestyle
         Of a young adult woman.

13
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,330
And I, as the benevolent
    Father figure,

14
00:01:05,332 --> 00:01:07,332
Will provide the major
     Source of income

15
00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:10,001
And give you
        Cute nicknames.

16
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:12,037
- dick?
     - what is it, kitten?

17
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,676
What's my role
               In the family?

18
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:20,345
You're the brother
           Who tries hard

19
00:01:20,347 --> 00:01:23,082
But still doesn't have
          The nerve to move out
          On his own,

20
00:01:23,084 --> 00:01:25,250
But we love your pluck
          And determination.

21
00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:27,186
But I can do more.

22
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:30,189
You see?
        That's the pluck
        That we love.

23
00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:33,959
Now, let's just be
The warm human family
That we are.

24
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:36,195
- after you.
   - why are you doing that?

25
00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:38,363
I've seen men
Do it all the time.

26
00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:41,500
Apparently, women don't know
How to operate doors.

27
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,502
Well, I do.

28
00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:46,938
Oh, dick, I've thought
     Of a job for myself.

29
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,940
I can catalog
    The dangers

30
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,310
That surround us
    On this planet.

31
00:01:51,312 --> 00:01:53,912
For example, getting
Your fingers crushed

32
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,880
In a car door.

33
00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:59,151
Ow.

34
00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,553
Ow.  Ow.

35
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,123
<I> ♪ hey, mister space man. ♪</I>

36
00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:07,759
Why are you listening
     To the serpent?

37
00:02:09,396 --> 00:02:11,330
Don't eat the fruit.

38
00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,999
Don't eat the fruit.

39
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:16,067
( sighs )

40
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:18,003
Women.

41
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:22,641
Dean sumner's office called.
You parked in his space.

42
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,076
I know.  It's so much
     Closer than mine.

43
00:02:25,078 --> 00:02:27,546
- sally:<I> move it, lady!</I>
   - and your sister's here.

44
00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:30,616
- sally, I thought
      I left you at home.
    - you forgot your shoes.

45
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:33,185
( mutters )

46
00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:35,187
What's with
The guy in 114?

47
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:37,856
Every time I walk by,
He follows me
And talks to me.

48
00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:41,260
I think somebody
        Has an admirer.

49
00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:43,662
Great.  Now can we
       Talk about me?

50
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:46,365
Sally, are you
       Seeing anyone now?

51
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:48,634
I'm looking at you,
      Aren't I?

52
00:02:48,636 --> 00:02:52,304
For god's sakes,
       He's trying to ask
       You on a date.

53
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,273
A date.
     It's a perfect opportunity.

54
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,241
- you'll go.
         - no, I won't.

55
00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:58,843
- trust me, I know what's best.
- why are you treating me
  Like this?

56
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,246
- like what?
          - like this.

57
00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:04,249
- I don't know what I'm doing.
 - you're acting as if I can't
   Make decisions for myself.

58
00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:07,118
- I am second in command.
   - one of us has to
     Experience sex,

59
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,488
And I'm getting
           Nowhere with her.

60
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,292
Well, why didn't
    You say so?

61
00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:15,727
If sex is so important,
You and I could do it

62
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:18,730
Right here on the desk,
Get it out of the way.

63
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:21,099
Okay,

64
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:24,969
I'll leave you clampetts
  Alone to your banjo lesson.

65
00:03:30,977 --> 00:03:33,478
"When beetles fight
   These battles in a bottle
   With their paddles,

66
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:36,815
And the bottle's in
   A poodle and the poodle's
   Eating noodles,

67
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,817
They call this a muddle
    Puddle tweetle poodle

68
00:03:38,819 --> 00:03:40,785
Beetle noodle
     Bottle paddle battle."

69
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,023
This man is a genius.

70
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:47,025
<I> ( footsteps )</I>

71
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:50,429
Well, if it isn't
Our proud little student.

72
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,431
What did you learn
On your first day?

73
00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:54,433
I'm wearing the wrong
     Kind of sneakers,

74
00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,435
And girls
           Only like seniors,

75
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:59,304
And, man, you can't
            Compliment anybody
            In the shower.

76
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:04,343
You see,
And you thought
      You knew everything.

77
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:07,279
Sally, you're going to
     Be late for your date!

78
00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,248
Sally:
              <I> I just don't know</I>
              <I> what to wear!</I>

79
00:04:14,388 --> 00:04:17,522
- is this appropriate?
     - I would say yes.

80
00:04:17,524 --> 00:04:19,591
Come on, men.
      What do I do on a date?

81
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,793
I've been reading about it.
  I'll walk you through it.

82
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:23,795
- I'll be your date.
  - you're not doing anything

83
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,797
Until you've done
Your homework, old man.

84
00:04:25,799 --> 00:04:27,799
You guys get
         To talk about sex

85
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:31,303
While I make an aztec
    Village out of macaroni?

86
00:04:31,305 --> 00:04:33,338
This is fair.

87
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:36,007
Okay, harry,
                  You're brad,

88
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:39,010
And the two of you are
   At a romantic restaurant.

89
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,913
Here.

90
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:44,048
Okay, now go ahead.

91
00:04:44,050 --> 00:04:46,418
I don't know
              What to do.

92
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:49,688
Gaze into his eyes
          The way dr. Albright

93
00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:51,623
Gazes into mine.
            You know...

94
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:58,229
That's perfect.
          Now, break the ice

95
00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,465
By telling him something
        Personal about yourself.

96
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:03,635
Well, uh, brad...
           ( clears throat )

97
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:07,138
Once every lunar cycle,
       My uterine lining
       Sloughs itself, thereby--

98
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,708
- whoa, whoa, whoa!
      - ( dick humming )

99
00:05:09,710 --> 00:05:11,677
Oh, oh!

100
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,517
That may be too personal.

101
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:20,519
It does.
         One minute, I'm fine.

102
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:23,355
- the next, my uterus
       Starts throbbing--
     - hey!

103
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,957
( yells gibberish )

104
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,362
There is something
           To be said

105
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:32,564
For keeping some mystery
      In a relationship.

106
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:35,066
When do I get to touch
Your breasts?

107
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:38,970
Right before you die.

108
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,139
Fair enough.

109
00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,810
Ow, ow, ow, ow, aye, aye.

110
00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:47,178
♪ rainbows, daisies ♪

111
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:50,415
♪ snowflakes,
         That girl. ♪

112
00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:54,419
( gasps )
                 My boys.

113
00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:56,221
( laughing )

114
00:05:59,059 --> 00:06:02,293
She's swallowed
A tiny monkey.

115
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:05,564
So, lieutenant,
     Give us a full report
     On your assignment.

116
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:08,700
He was wonderful.
    He thinks I'm wonderful.

117
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,035
He asked me where
     I'd been all his life.

118
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,872
- you didn't tell him?
     - all the coordinates.

119
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:17,342
Thank goodness he didn't
    Believe me, so I didn't
    Have to kill him.

120
00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:20,979
- what happened after dinner?
 - well, he wanted
To sleep with me.

121
00:06:20,981 --> 00:06:24,416
- I wanted sex, but since he
  Was tired, I let him go home.
- damn.

122
00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,852
But...

123
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:30,188
The good news is...
      ( sighs )

124
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:32,123
He's gonna call me.

125
00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:38,730
I wish I could meet
      A guy like that.

126
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:46,671
Come on, sport,
       I'll drive you to school.

127
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,409
- bite me.
        - bite me, what?

128
00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:52,343
Bite me, daddy.

129
00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:55,580
That's better.

130
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,582
See you tonight,
              Slugger.

131
00:06:57,584 --> 00:07:01,085
No, you won't 'cause
I'll be out with brad,

132
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,121
Having fun.

133
00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,359
All right,
               Good job.

134
00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:10,361
Come on.
Let's keep it
            Moving, solomon.

135
00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,732
- climb the rope.
     - yeah.  What's at
       The top of the rope?

136
00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:16,468
Your self-respect is
At the top of the rope.

137
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,170
Run this by me again.
         I climb up there,

138
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:21,105
And then I...?

139
00:07:22,175 --> 00:07:24,810
You climb down!

140
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:27,546
And this gives me
    Self-respect because...?

141
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,581
Look, you don't want
    To climb the rope,

142
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:32,751
You can go sit over
There with the girls.

143
00:07:34,421 --> 00:07:36,521
So, if I don't
        Climb the rope,

144
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:39,223
- then I sit
         With the girls.
- that's right.

145
00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:42,327
Help me out here
     'cause I'm not seeing
     The downside.

146
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,704
- ( snaps )
       - must you make
         Such a racket?!

147
00:07:56,743 --> 00:07:58,844
Okay,

148
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:01,913
You've bossed me around
      For the last time.

149
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:07,218
Oh, I'm sorry
        I blew up like that.

150
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:10,856
<I> ( snaps )</I>

151
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:14,292
( bottles clattering )

152
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,267
There he is.

153
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:25,303
There he is.

154
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:27,606
There he is.

155
00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:30,241
You know, what goes on
Outside this office

156
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:34,012
- is really none
         Of my business.
       - there he is.

157
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,014
Just because I set
Sally up with brad

158
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,817
Doesn't mean you're
Under any obligation
To tell me how it went.

159
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:41,553
- there he is.
    - I'm not even curious.

160
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,022
Mm-hmm, right there.

161
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,190
Sally's date?
           Start talking.

162
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,628
Well, what can I say?
           In her own words,
           It was wonderful.

163
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:52,697
- both: mm-hmm.
     - she overate, and he
       Found her charming.

164
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,834
- mm-hmm.
      - in fact, he's
        Going to call her.

165
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:58,336
Both: mmm.

166
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,605
What?

167
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,845
Orange juice.

168
00:09:08,148 --> 00:09:10,214
Ah!  Nontoxic.

169
00:09:13,620 --> 00:09:16,621
Tabasco.

170
00:09:16,623 --> 00:09:19,925
Ah!  Also nontoxic.

171
00:09:19,927 --> 00:09:22,160
- he said he'd call.
- yes, I know.

172
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,429
He promised.
He said he'd call.

173
00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,598
- that changes everything.
   - I can take more pain

174
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,268
Than the rest of you put
Together, but right now
I just feel so...

175
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,270
Icky.

176
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,372
Damn it, dick, give me
Some pain I can define.

177
00:09:34,374 --> 00:09:37,642
I am not going
         To jam your hand
         In the toaster again.

178
00:09:37,644 --> 00:09:41,613
You just can't imagine
What it feels like, dick.

179
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,147
It's like he reached in,

180
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:46,250
And pulled all the bones
Out of my body.

181
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:49,988
( crying )

182
00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:53,491
My god!
            What are you doing?

183
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,629
Apparently, I'm leaking.

184
00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,767
Well, stop it!

185
00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,073
All right, commander.
( sobs )

186
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:15,046
Wine cooler.

187
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:17,682
Ah!  I could go
        Either way.

188
00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:21,486
Lieutenant,
        We need to talk.

189
00:10:21,488 --> 00:10:24,422
This is all your fault.
I didn't want to be the woman.
You made me be the woman.

190
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,390
You're a decorated veteran.
  I thought you could handle it.

191
00:10:26,392 --> 00:10:29,293
Well, I can't.
    This is hard.

192
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:33,064
Please, don't.
              No.  Please don't.

193
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,967
It went so great.
Brad said he liked me.

194
00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:38,069
Why won't he call?
    ( sobbing )

195
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,372
- there, there.
- ( groans )

196
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:45,710
Maybe he can't call.
      Maybe his phone is out.

197
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:47,946
Maybe he injured himself
    Running with scissors

198
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:50,448
Or used a dry cleaning
     Bag as a toy.

199
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:53,918
Dick...

200
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:57,221
I've lost all feeling
     In the left side
     Of my body.

201
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:02,127
Could somebody
       Please call 1-1-6?

202
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,195
Do not touch
    That phone!

203
00:11:04,197 --> 00:11:06,230
- oh, dad!
       - now what is it?

204
00:11:06,232 --> 00:11:09,267
My teachers want to talk
To you about my attitude,

205
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,269
As if I have
          An attitude.

206
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,371
( sighs )
     This is just perfect.

207
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:16,107
I try to mold us
      Into a family
      That will blend in,

208
00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:18,109
And what do I get?
       A surly teenager,

209
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:21,179
A sister obsessed
   With a man, and a brother
   Who drinks too much.

210
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:24,015
Is there another
      Family in the whole
      World like this?

211
00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:25,950
I don't think so.

212
00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:29,988
- frankly, I can't
         Take it anymore.
       - me, neither.

213
00:11:29,990 --> 00:11:32,691
- I'm outta here.
    - I have got to find out
      What happened to brad.

214
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:35,359
"Induce vomiting."
              There's an idea.

215
00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:41,132
If anybody needs me,
I'll be in the garage...

216
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:43,068
Putting up peg board.

217
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:54,779
- hello, brad.
         - sally.

218
00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,916
I've come to check
       Your phone.

219
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,858
Sally, please,
           Calm down.

220
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:10,095
No, you may not
        Maim harry.

221
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:12,964
I don't know,
         Find someone
         On the street.

222
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:18,103
- trouble at home?
      - no.  Why would you
        Say that?

223
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,338
- he didn't call, did he?
   - not yet.

224
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:23,341
Both: mmm.

225
00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:26,978
I just wish sally had
     Some woman friends
     To turn to.

226
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,513
- are you asking for my help?
- are you offering it?

227
00:12:29,515 --> 00:12:31,449
How can I be offering
     If I don't know
     What you're asking?

228
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:34,252
- why would I ask?
      I don't need help.
    - then I'm not offering.

229
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,254
Fine with me.

230
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,456
You can't say it,
       Can you?

231
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:42,460
Help me!

232
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:45,730
I don't know what to do.
    I can't stand to see
    Her like this.

233
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:47,565
There, that
        Wasn't so hard.

234
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,567
- then you'll help?
      - no.

235
00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:51,636
Can't you just take her
Out tonight and talk to her?

236
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:54,272
You don't have to go alone.
Nina would be happy
To join you.

237
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,274
Ooh, I'm sorry,

238
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:59,543
Tonight's the night I'm
Having my eyes gouged out.

239
00:12:59,545 --> 00:13:01,646
Can't you reschedule it?

240
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:04,149
Put yourself in her position--
You go out on a date,

241
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:06,818
You have a wonderful time,
Various arousing stimuli

242
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,820
Fly back and forth
    Across the table,

243
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,956
And then he doesn't call.
How would you repair
Yourself?

244
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,859
I'd get good and toasted
      And call him filthy names.

245
00:13:14,861 --> 00:13:17,962
Yes, great.
Now go and do that
With sally.

246
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:19,964
You're buying.

247
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,133
Of course.

248
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:24,735
Oh, she's way more
              Upset than that.

249
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,743
Dr. Solomon,
    Let me be blunt.

250
00:13:32,745 --> 00:13:34,879
Tommy seems to have
A problem with authority.

251
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:36,647
And jimmy refused
              To climb the rope.

252
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,917
What was at the top
      Of the rope?

253
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:48,359
If he were my boy,
  I'd warm up his little bottom.

254
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:51,595
You're the one who
    Didn't want him sitting
    With the girls, right?

255
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:59,137
I think he's just jealous
   Because I've done so much
   Better than he has.

256
00:13:59,139 --> 00:14:02,373
Dr. Solomon,
Nobody ever said
Being a father is easy.

257
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:06,311
You're telling me.
       Some of you must
Have children,

258
00:14:06,313 --> 00:14:09,347
As frightening
      As that thought is.

259
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,049
What do you do?

260
00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:14,285
You need to set a good
     Example for your son
     To live up to.

261
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:17,889
Since when did my son
   Become my responsibility?

262
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:20,558
You're the ones who are
    Falling down on the job.

263
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,560
You're supposed to
       Be educating him.

264
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:25,563
Knowledge is the only
     Chance this planet has
     For survival.

265
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:28,466
One day you're going to
Have to find someone to pull
Your collective butts

266
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:30,935
Out of the cosmic pliers,
And all you'll have
To pick from

267
00:14:30,937 --> 00:14:32,703
Is a bunch
Of rope climbers!

268
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:34,705
Dr. Solomon,
         I think you're avoiding

269
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:37,108
The real problem--
           The home environment.

270
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,110
Well, of course
        I'm avoiding it.

271
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,145
It's full
        Of crazy people.

272
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,854
Oh, come on, sally.
I know you're in
A lot of pain,

273
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:52,790
But holding it in isn't
Going to do you any good.

274
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:56,394
You've got to let it out.
Come on, open up.

275
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,529
( screaming )

276
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:05,036
That really helped.

277
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:08,873
- this can't be the first
    Bad date you've ever had.
- well...

278
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:11,376
A couple of years ago,
         A friend set me up,

279
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:14,845
And my date turned out
       To be this giant,
       Slimy yolk sac.

280
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:17,815
- yeah, I've been there.
    - who hasn't?

281
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:21,185
I once dated this chemistry
Professor, dr. Abrams.

282
00:15:21,187 --> 00:15:23,854
Oh, god, she's starting
         With the a's.

283
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:26,857
He invited me
To portage lakes
For a romantic weekend,

284
00:15:26,859 --> 00:15:29,327
And then just
    Never showed up.

285
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:31,562
- did you kill him?
      - no, no.

286
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:35,133
I don't believe in violence.
Violence doesn't
Do you any good.

287
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:37,135
However, a gas tank
Full of sugar

288
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:39,703
And a flaming bag
Of dog poop will.

289
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,007
And you take that orally?

290
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:48,579
Tommy, your teachers
            Seem to think

291
00:15:48,581 --> 00:15:51,215
I'm not acting enough
           Like a father to you.

292
00:15:51,217 --> 00:15:53,918
- you're not my father.
    - well, that's true,

293
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,321
But I want to try
       To act like one.

294
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:59,023
Fine.  What do fathers
     And sons do together?

295
00:15:59,025 --> 00:16:01,359
Oh, they do this.

296
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,765
Yes, I've seen that.

297
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:09,767
Aw.

298
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,906
Excellent.
             We're roughhousing.

299
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:17,842
Son.

300
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,615
( both yelling )

301
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:43,501
This has taken
A wrong turn somewhere.

302
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:45,536
I've got a better idea.

303
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:48,539
We can do what
       The guy downstairs
       Does with his son.

304
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,808
They watch tv for
       18 hours straight.

305
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:53,811
Yes, it's the classic
           Male-bonding ritual.

306
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:55,946
<I> ( sports show theme music</I>
        <I> playing on tv )</I>

307
00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:58,216
Oh, look,
          Monday night football.

308
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,251
All:
           All right!

309
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:04,555
What is it?

310
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,957
Isn't there someplace
      Where people can just have

311
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:09,360
Meaningless sex
          With various partners?

312
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,695
Yes, it's called
    The '70s.

313
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:16,434
Well, how late
             Is it open?

314
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:19,404
Hey, check out
        The bartender.

315
00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:22,173
Ooh, god's gift
To women.

316
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:24,108
I hope he kept
               The receipt.

317
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,550
Oh, get a load of

318
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:35,619
- the guy in the vest.
    - I hope he kept
      The receipt.

319
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:42,226
See, sally, you are
             Not the problem.

320
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:45,463
Guys are jerks.
         You're just never gonna
         Find the perfect man.

321
00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:48,032
Yeah, the perfect man
Would have

322
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:50,801
Bill gates' money,
    Jimmy smits' ass,

323
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:54,638
Liam neeson's shoulders,
Michael jordan's thighs--

324
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:58,008
- and we need a brain.
  - ( scoffs )  no, we don't.

325
00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:01,612
Yeah, you're right,
      Then he'd think
      Like a man.

326
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:04,682
See, sally,
    There's just no dealing
    With the opposite sex.

327
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,553
Yes, the opposite sex.

328
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:10,555
I didn't do
            Anything wrong.

329
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,557
It's men.

330
00:18:12,559 --> 00:18:15,226
They're a completely
          Opposite sex.

331
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:18,096
They hunt.  We gather.
          They sweat.  We glow.

332
00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:20,030
They shake.
              We wipe.

333
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:23,601
You, your sexual organs

334
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:26,003
Are in total diametric
Opposition to mine.

335
00:18:26,005 --> 00:18:29,107
Well, hey, so can I give you
    A call sometime or...?

336
00:18:29,109 --> 00:18:32,310
Oh, yeah, I'll be
Waiting by the phone.

337
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,979
( laughing )

338
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:37,482
- have we poisoned her?
    - no...

339
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,883
Now she's
        A buxom, leggy,

340
00:18:39,885 --> 00:18:42,620
Pouty-lipped bitch
       With attitude.

341
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,423
I think she'll do
       Just fine.

342
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,458
<I> ( doorbell rings )</I>

343
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,496
- hello, brad.
         - s-sally.

344
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:53,464
( chuckles nervously )

345
00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:57,135
I came here to tell you

346
00:18:57,137 --> 00:19:00,338
That I understand
       Your limitations.

347
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:03,274
( chuckles )
I expected too much.

348
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:06,444
I'm so sorry.
         All the best.

349
00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:10,148
Oops.  Got your knob.

350
00:19:14,287 --> 00:19:16,287
Hasn't tonight
Been great?

351
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:19,223
Just us boys
Drinking beer,
Yelling like idiots,

352
00:19:19,225 --> 00:19:21,725
Emitting various gasses.

353
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,861
Oh!  Oh, look.

354
00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:25,929
They're doing
               That thing again.

355
00:19:25,931 --> 00:19:28,699
- ohh!
        - here it comes.
          Look out.

356
00:19:28,701 --> 00:19:30,701
All:
           Oh, yeah!

357
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:35,573
- sally's back.
        - party's over.

358
00:19:35,575 --> 00:19:38,643
- harry: thank god.
    - sally, you're smiling.

359
00:19:38,645 --> 00:19:41,212
- you're fixed.
        - no, dick,

360
00:19:41,214 --> 00:19:44,248
I'm not fixed because
I was never broken.

361
00:19:44,250 --> 00:19:47,418
I'm supposed
        To be this way.
        I'm a woman.

362
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:51,021
- yes, and...?
   - tell me, dick, what kind
     Of shampoo do you use?

363
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,057
- I don't know.
        - exactly.

364
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:55,059
And do you feel
            The urge to have

365
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:57,061
An eight-pound
            Screaming larva

366
00:19:57,063 --> 00:19:59,163
Rip its way out
          Of your lower abdomen?

367
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:04,602
No, I think I can
Do without that.

368
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:06,737
You see, here,
             You and I

369
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,739
Are completely
         Different life-forms,

370
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:11,008
And it's just
Some sick cosmic joke

371
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:13,244
That we have
         To share a planet.

372
00:20:13,246 --> 00:20:15,246
I've been thinking
About your assignment.

373
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:17,881
Maybe it wasn't fair of me,
Making you the woman.

374
00:20:17,883 --> 00:20:19,883
I'm all right.

375
00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,520
I can handle
         The mood swings,
         The emotional issues,

376
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:25,956
The catcalls,
         The punitive underwear,

377
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:28,792
Because, frankly, when I
     Think of the alternative...

378
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,796
I just have to laugh.

379
00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:46,009
Mother earth.

380
00:20:46,011 --> 00:20:49,046
Father time.

381
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,982
- lady luck.
   - "Gentleman's quarterly."

382
00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:56,854
Daughters of
The american revolution.

383
00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:58,822
"Son of kong."

384
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:02,993
- fairy godmother.
    - the godfather of soul.

385
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,165
Mississippi.

386
00:21:12,438 --> 00:21:14,405
Mister sippi.

387
00:21:20,747 --> 00:21:24,582
<I> ( '50s rock music playing )</I>